When the head and the heart are at odds
It’s been awhile…and that’s because I’ve been a bit tired and doing what I can to manage my most pressing responsibilities (which include those responsibilities to my awesome students — hello BUS 302 students!). Then, the more time that passed between posts, the more I felt I had to deliver something “bigger.” But then I realized, that concern was just in my head and I should simply share what I’ve been intending to share for quite some time. So, here it is!
Our Academic Outsider book winners are Ashlee Brown, Hannah Malcolm, and Brian Zuluaga! Now it’s time to return to distributing copies of A Field Guide to Grad School. Interested recipients should be sure to enter the book giveaway for a chance to win a copy (more details below, at the end of the post).
In late February, I traveled to Atlanta, GA to attend the Society for Personality and Social Psychology conference. There, I had the great fortune of co-organizing a preference (Origins of the Social Mind FTW!), sitting on a professional development panel, hosting a mentoring lunch, and serving as a panelist for the Inside the Grant Panel competition (I love giving money away to people doing great work!). I share all this not to brag about my “productivity” but to highlight that despite being involved in all of these things, I had to create space to manage some conflicting feelings.
Feeling feelings can be amazing, it can also be hard, and it can be both of these things at the same time. There is no greater reminder of this (for me) than attending conferences. Conferences offer wonderful opportunities to (re)connect with others, including friends, learn about cutting-edge research, and even check out a new, unfamiliar place (though, I’m terrible at sightseeing during conferences). Conferences can also produce intense negative feelings resulting from social comparison that can leave one (read: me) feeling a bit down about their productivity, where they are professionally, and what they have to offer a discipline. So, the purpose of this post is to simply highlight that feelings are complex and we should create space to allow ourselves to feel different things. And importantly, not knowing precisely how to feel is ok!
FEELING MULTIPLE THINGS: AN EXAMPLE
Consider this: Let’s say your friend won an award. Yay! But also…I guess that means you didn’t (well, not always). And really, you can substitute almost anything in place of “won an award” and the conflicting feelings are going to be similar (though, perhaps more or less intense). Let me give you an example from my own life. A few years ago, I applied for a small external grant, proposing what I thought was a great project (and it was!). Now, although the size of the grant was small, the prestige associated with the grant was large. I didn’t win the award BUT a friend did (in a different year). My initial reaction was joy for my friend, but then I remembered that I didn’t receive this same grant, and so I started to question the value of my own work. This exercise in discounting my contributions and capabilities ate away at the joy I felt for my friend. I felt so compelled to feel one thing (i.e., sad about myself) that I missed out on the opportunity to really celebrate my friend after my initial note of congratulations. Yet, these sorts of things are complicated and we should give space to all the feelings and not necessarily allow only one to define an event or situation.
Other examples of times when you may feel multiple feelings include:
When you see others gain admission to grad school and you don’t. Although you may feel happy for those who gained admission, you may feel sad for yourself and even a bit jealous.
When someone publishes research related to yours. You may be excited by their findings but wondering if you have anything left to contribute (you do!).
When you’re graduating and leaving your grad school community. You may feel excited to embark on new adventures, but miss the in-person camaraderie you enjoyed with your cohort. Some friendships will wane (and that’s ok!); however, some won’t and these friendships will sustain you through very difficult (and wonderful) times.
When you are offered an opportunity to join a project but know you should say no. It can be flattering to have your expertise recognized; however, sometimes we need to say no (and saying no is hard). What if we miss out on being a part of the next great research project?! Maybe that happens, but being overcommitted often means nothing gets done (so always consider your alternative situations when deciding whether to pursue an opportunity).
SO, WHAT CAN WE DO?
First, acknowledge the complexity of your feelings. Experiencing jealously when your friend gains admission to graduate school and you don’t is normal. At the same time, I advise against just sitting with these feelings; it’s important to name these sorts of feelings as they are and avoid pretending that they don’t exist. It’s also important to work through negative feelings productively in a way that is going to help you understand the situation more completely (e.g., there are far more applicants than spots available, research fit matters, funding matters, etc.).
Second, lean on your community. Having trusted friends and colleagues is almost a necessity. I can’t imagine navigating academia (or really any space) without having people I can turn to for advice, support, and celebration (and, in turn, I hope they look to me for these things!). I’ll admit, sometimes it’s helpful to say the unproductive things out loud (e.g., “Yes, I am jealous, so please help me work through this”). But then, it’s important to strategize. If you don’t feel like you have someone you can turn to when navigating complex feelings like those I’ve described here, know you have me!
Third, recognize your humanness. We’re human and so we have to feel things, I guess (ha!). When given the opportunity to feel joy, feel it. When confronted with negative feelings, feel them. I don’t know anyone who has benefited from suppressing their feelings (both the good and the bad)…trust me, I’ve tried myself. And, don’t make apologies for those feelings or simply feeling, period (however, to be clear, this advice should not be construed as licensing you to harm others as a result of your feelings).
Finally, I’m not saying anything profound here, but I am giving space to this important idea that we need to make space to feel multiple things.
Until next time!
How to reach me: You are always welcome to email me (letstalkgradschool@gmail.com). You can also find me on Twitter @tweetsbymidge and Instagram @letstalkgradschool.
Want to support my #hiddencurriculum efforts? Consider “buying me a coffee” via Ko-fi. All funds will be put back into my Let’s Talk Grad School initiatives (i.e., weekend groups, buying/mailing books, etc.). Learn more about my efforts here.
Let’s give away some books: Readers located in the United States are eligible to enter the book giveaway to receive a copy of A Field Guide to Grad School by Dr. Jessica Calarco. To do so, complete this survey and note that you only have to complete it once to be entered in all subsequent giveaways! I do hope to expand the reach of the giveaway; however, at the moment, the shipping costs are too great to scale. If you’d like to talk about ways your institution could secure an electronic (or hard) copy, please let me know.
Wishing you all the best!
Margaret